Death, coalition and return

Don't fear the reaper

Hello chickens!

I’ll be honest, I put death in the subject line to grab your attention a bit.

But also my grandad did die last week.

We thought he might be bionic and live forever, as there had been so many false alarms. But he’s gone.

I was reminded of the lovely Electra Rhodes’ thoughts about the death that happens before the death. She’d posted about the moments she and her father shared in the last years of his life on twitter, in little scenes from their chats in his care home. Through these, and without meeting either of them, I knew her Pa was funny and kind and loving. And had a glimpse of what it was like to begin mourning a death before it happened. This, she explained, is called anticipatory grief, ‘that you know something is coming and grieve for it… a helpful way to describe the loss that hasn’t yet happened but is ongoing every day.’

Death

My granddad was very gloomy about death. He was an anaesthetist in the Navy, so he knew the risks of every ailment. And what his chances were of dying.

He was incredibly stubborn. It was this stubbornness that appeared to keep him alive.

He simply refused to die.

When he moved into his care home, there were a couple of cancers knocking about his body.

Over the space of the year, he declined.

For the first few months, my Mum was recovering from surgery and couldn’t drive down to see him. I would travel to visit him every other weekend.

He and I shared a temperament. Our relationship was simple. We both hated root vegetables. I didn’t mind that he always did everything exactly the way he liked. I had no issues calling out his conservative views or his belittling of my equity-seeking ones. We agreed the NHS should be protected. And I loved him.

On the last day I saw him, despite being almost unrecognisable, he clasped his hands in the same way he always had and bowed his head, making the same ‘it’s all a joke’ expression he always had. Like an ancient idea of himself.

I fed him two forkfuls of shepherd’s pie and two spoonfuls of ice cream and helped him drink his life-prolonging milkshake.

A few days later we came to visit his body. And that was that.

My Mum has been doing the final what she calls ‘Dadmin’, as we prepare for the funeral. She says in another life she wouldn’t mind being a funeral director, as the two women doing the funeral are hilarious.

I recommended some good death-themed books to her. One is called Ashes to Admin by Evie King. Evie used to work in London before she burned out and upped sticks to move to the seaside, with only one interview lined up at the local council. She got the job and accidentally ended up arranging state funerals there, for people without next of kin. Each chapter in the book is a different person’s story. It’s funny and bold. The other recommendation was for a book called Stiff by Mary Roach (also funny).

Coalition

It’s now been a month since starting a new job. I’ve connected with the staff working on anti-racism at the institution to support the work from my position there. It’s fantastic. And enlightening.

It’s also made me think a lot about neurodiversity and antiracism.

Because I am neurodiverse, nobody can shoot me down for saying I get frustrated with (other white) people sometimes being quick to put energy into centring neurodiversity (and themselves) above other justice-seeking work. Reading the work of anti-racist practitioners at the institution where I am, I was struck by how a lot of anti-opression action ideas put forward (that I hadn’t encountered before) could not only pave the way for equity for global majority people, but would benefit neurodiverse people too. And everyone if we’re honest. If we could move the neurodiversity conversation back to a focus on anti-opression practice that centres the most marginalised people, we’ll all thrive. I look forward to sharing more of the work as it appears out in the world.

Return

A ceasefire shakily holds and I’ve been doing some behind-the-scenes things connecting people. But otherwise moving at a slower pace this month (despite starting karate lessons). As we look towards liberation and return for Palestinians, the next London march has been announced…

See you there?